Hello Darkness, My Old Friend. I miss you.
There is an invisible heavy weight on my chest, I can’t breathe.
Pain is so severe and soul-crushing that it feels like a Mountain falls upon me.
While laying down silently, I can only hear thump, thump, thump, I am not sure right now whether it’s my heartbeat or someone throws the whole world on me.
Fear of getting hurt from even the slightest touch has taken over every nerve of my body. My hands are burning hot while my feet are extremely cold. My Vision is so disturbed, It feels like I am Blind.
Although I get the sensation that the whole world is thrown upon me and there is nothing I can do but there is a will which makes me going every single day. I wake up feeling like I died last night and then Reborn again. I desperately try to claw my way out but the whole effort is futile and exhausting.
Although I am trying my way out of this miserable pain but my clawing is becoming slower and less effective. I feel tired all the time and I just can’t get rid of all this Pain and fatigue.
Everyday i wake up, hoping that this day would be better than the previous one.
Someday I feel better than most days but some days are the worst for me.
If I am having a good day and I go for grocery shopping or did house cleaning then I know that the next 3 days are gonna be worst for me, Filled with Miserable Pain and fatigue.
1. What Having a Chronic Illness Feels to Me
The process of being buried alive has been repeated on me many times in the past. Let me explain what buried alive means to me.
When a person is diagnosed with fibromyalgia, he/she usually wonders what is it and how can I get rid of this miserable pain and fatigue. You start using social media and other platforms to find answers to your questions, You start meeting with people who have the same illness as you have but you are becoming hopeless and felt hear broken after knowing that there is no proper cure for this. You are in it for the rest of your life. Your days and night are so miserable that it feels like you are buried alive.
I have been suffering from fibromyalgia for more than 20 years. I have gone through this process and felt heart broken many times. Sometimes Pain, Fatigue, Depression, and anxiety is so miserable that I would think that I am in darkness forever, But there is light at the end of every tunnel and i am hoping to find it.
2. Experiencing the Darkness
Below I am sharing some of my experiences. You had also go through these experiences:
Every day is a new day for a normal person but for us sufferers, Everyday is as miserable as the previous one or even worst. You wake up tired and in pain and go to bed even more tired and in the worst pain.
I have tried many medication and home remedies but all in vain. Medication has many side effects which makes it even more dangerous.
I have tried many therapies and yoga classes as doctors usually suggest but instead of alleviating pain, they seem to contribute to it.
My family is also contributing to my suffering with their hurtful words. A most common line that I got to hear is “You don’t look sick, You seem fine”.
I have spent thousands of dollars on this miserable disease. Experiencing financial difficulties due to fibromyalgia is also a Problem for me.
Friends and family seem to doubt me Everytime I cancel plans with them because of my condition. I wanted to be invited to events but I can’t join them because of my illness.
My Family has refused to provide me financial assistance in this and it feels like I am being dumped.
Everyone at work sees me with creepy eyes like i am some kind of Alien.
My family thinks I am a burden to them as I am doing nothing, Just staying at home and causing trouble.
Knowing that I am being like this for the rest of my life is causing me to go in anxiety and depression
People are suggesting me to adopt some kind of fitness regime to lose weight. They don’t know how hard it is to even think about it.
3. Finding the Light
I hope you get a good picture of my condition as I have explained above. This is all the dark side but now let’s look on the bright side.
Once in a blue moon, I get a day on which my pain is less than usual, That day is not less than a miracle. You can get up and take a walk around the house or take a shower etc.
Sometimes I get news on the internet of a new therapy or medication and think that this might be the cure medical community was looking for. Alas, All these therapies and medication only gave temporary relief.
Consultation from a friend or a co-worker can also make your day. Although there is nothing they can do about it at least if they understand your pain, There kind words might be of big help. This feels like they are shoveling the earth away from me.
If your Manager or Boss understand your pain then he/she will probably relieve some burden of work from you.
Doctors these days don’t know what i am going through. Having a doctor which actually understand your pain is also a blessing.
All in all, we cannot always rely on nor hypothesis the good days or opportunities for new therapies. The only constants can be our own search for beauty, hope and the kindness of others to help us keep the darkness at bay.
4. A Helping Hand
Only someone with chronic illness can truly understand the pain of another chronic sufferer, So if you meet someone with fibromyalgia, Be polite with them and ask if they need your help. Often helping someone makes you feel more satisfied with yourself. Often those of us with chronic illness are terrible at asking for help but we do need your help. Stay Strong warriors and help each other.